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Are we at war yet?

That is basically what I ask every morning when I wake up.

Happy New Year

It's cold and I have to pee but I don't want to get out of bed.
Like I used to enjoy LJ a lot more because I posted every day about stuff that happened to me. But less things happen to me now, and my life is a lot more mundane...I've always been boring but being a grown up with a job makes it easy to be really, really boring.

And while I like posting pics on Instagram and stuff, an actual journal has some perks. So I don't know. I haven't really figured this out yet. And this is totally not a new year's resolution. I'm just...thinking.

(Haha like last new year's I figured I'd start a blog and that...didn't really go anywhere.)

And I think because of things like Snapchat and Instagram and stuff, it's easy to just document how you feel about something right then and just move on instead of thinking it over and writing about it later. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to write stuff down anyway.

Plus, physically writing stuff always makes me feel like it's more lasting? Idk. I like flipping through old scrapbooks and stuff.


For Halloween I am going to dress up as the holiday that killed Halloween. Christmas. I am going to be Christmas, holding a bloody pumpkin with a knife sticking out its back. :P
I don't think I've fallen this badly since I was a teenager.

Yesterday I was walking the dog when she started getting the zoomies. We were pretty close to home and it's a straight shot down the sidewalk, so I figured it'd be okay to run a little bit. Unfortunately, dog doesn't understand mere running. She started okay and then went crazy sprinting, and as I tried to slow her down she cut right in front of me.

It was like an out of body experience. I heard myself cry out as I flipped over her and hit the cement. I mean I dropped like dead weight. I think my elbow jammed into my ribs as I tried to catch myself because I couldn't breathe, after I hit the ground all I could do was roll on to my back and try to force air back into my lungs. The pain in my chest was so intense I seriously thought I fractured a rib. I was also terrified I'd hit my head but turned out the headache was more from whiplash catching myself at the last minute.

Anyway, this is what having the breath knocked out of you feels like. It's not something I ever really wanted to experience, but okay.

Luckily, as I lay on the sidewalk, the dog didn't run off because there was no way I could have stopped her, even though the leash was still wrapped around my hand. At first she thought I was joking or something and jumped around, but then she realized I was actually in pain and sat down next to me to stare at my face.

And I stared back.

Five minutes later, I managed to pick myself up. I was honestly really, really lucky -- didn't break anything, didn't even bleed. Probably because I didn't slide across the cement, it was just BAM and down. I have a few magnificent bruises on my legs, some small scrapes on hands and arm. Today I woke up and my entire body was on fire. It's like, muscle trauma? Like when you get into a fender bender and you don't feel the soreness until the next day, from the seatbelt and whatever. I can't quite lift my right arm -- I probably caught most of my weight on that arm -- and my diaphragm is insanely sore. And I have to walk the dog tonight.

If she tries to kill me again, she'll have an easy time of it. :P

idk what but I'm going to do it

It is so so so hot and I hate it.

I'm really glad I moved to my current place though, because I'm pretty sure I would be dead already if I were living at my old place. That place is a hell hole that collects heat. At least my current place is naturally cooler.

Bugs are annoying though. It's hot so bugs keep trying to get in. I hate bugs.

But not as much as I hate being hot and gross. I honestly feel like my skin has become thinner? Or more sensitive or something? Or maybe the sun has become harsher? Because I used to be able to lay out in the sun no problem, but now the minute sunlight touches my skin it feels like burning. I mean honest to goodness burning. It is painful for me to be exposed in direct sunlight.

People think I'm joking when I say I'm a vampire but...

Besides the burning sensation when exposed to the sun, I also hate tan lines. I don't know when the obsession began but I try to avoid tan lines at all costs. I can either be pale all over, or tan all over (except with my fear of skin cancer driven by 16 years of swim team sans sun block I can't tan anymore so mainly I just try to stay indoors).

And of course my heat tolerance is next to zero. If I could I would just cover up when I go outside in like a muumuu or something but...I wilt as soon as it gets past 80 degrees. How do I function. I don't know. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 109 and I feel like I should call in hot to work. Like the thermostat told me I couldn't leave the house.

I have zero chill

went and got tatooos because I'm impatient as fuck

will share photos once they are all nicely healed up because I dislike tattoo photos of red skin, it just seems tacky


Ugh I hate waiting

I'm a very impatient person by nature. I will diddle over making a decision for a long time because I'm also somewhat indecisive, but once I do decide on something, I do not want to wait.

Case in point: do I buy the thing, or not buy the thing? It might take me forever to decide yes or no. But if I decide yes, I must buy it right away. (So then if there is a line at the store or something, I'm all "fuck it" and I will walk away.)

Of course buying property isn't something to be rushed. It's a huge investment so yeah, I get it. I do. It doesn't make me feel any better though. I'm all "close escrow now, let me move now, I can purchase the damn place stop requiring me to turn in more stupid documents just give me the keys I WANT TO MOVE."

Lady downstairs has been somewhat more quiet lately but it really doesn't matter. I know what kind of person she is. She makes me angry living where I live now, knowing she exists in the unit below mine. So even though I only have to stay for like, another month because that's how long escrow takes to close, it's a month of me being angry. And impatient.


I hope I'm ready...

Because I'm going to Iceland at the end of the week and I don't think I have a waterproof coat. I have a lot of coats, but none of them are waterproof because...I've never needed one.

I am not preparing for this trip well, is what I'm saying.

it's a different kind of desperate

Because I'm not desperate for a job in the way that if I don't get one, I can't pay the bills or something.

I'm not desperate. I could, technically, maintain the status quo and live a nice life. But it's like, I'm 30 now. Aren't I supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life? Shouldn't I know what my career is supposed to be?

I've always just sort of stumbled from job to job and while I've liked all of the jobs I've had -- yes, even when I worked at the restaurant because I liked restaurant work, it was just the crazy asshole boss I did not like -- I still haven't found anything that I can definitely say I'd be totally happy doing long term.

I guess I'm just waiting for that moment to strike like my life is gonna unfold and I'll finally know what I'm meant to do. Except it...hasn't. And I remain slightly above average at a lot of things, but not an expert in anything, and it makes me feel pretty unaccomplished.
Went to a water park for the first time in decades today. It was fun, remembering how much I enjoy crazy water slides. But now I am tired and sore and feeling super burnt out. And like, when you were a kid you could just pass out in the car and sleep until the next day and you'd be fine. But now I know that even if I go to sleep right away, I'm going to wake up tomorrow feeling like crap because my body just doesn't bounce back like it used to.

Getting old is crap.

New heatwave making me want to die

For the past three days it has been 100 degrees and it is killing me. I don't know when my heat tolerance has dropped so low but I am just incapable of functioning when it's hot out anymore.

Maybe I do need to move to cooler climates.

Yeah I work out

No, I don't.

But yesterday as I was walking back to my apartment with the dog, all sweaty and gross and disgusting, some guy I'm pretty sure I have never seen before in my life (although I assume he lives in the complex since he was using the pool) was all "hey, do you work out?"

And I was really confused and said "uh, no?"

And he was all "oh, you just look really different. Like, good, you look good."

And I was all "okay? Thanks! I just walk the dog."

And he said "oh I should do that too."

Like he has a dog? You'd think I'd remember him if he has a dog, I know recognize most of the dog owners in my complex since we all have similar routines of taking the dogs out to pee.

And that was the end of that interaction. I am still confused because who is this person and how has he seen me enough to say that I look really different? Maybe he's confusing me with someone else at the complex? I'm pretty sure I do not look different. I only walk the dog, I definitely do not work out and my body shape hasn't changed in the past 10 years. But okay. Sure.

Now I'm gonna be like "yeah I work out and I LOOK GOOOOOOOOOOOD"

oops it's August

Not much to report. Work is still work. It's okay. Not better, but not worse.

I have recently fallen into one of my obsession spirals and have spent the past two weeks watching nothing but INFINITE videos on YouTube. It's terrible but also wonderful because the music and videos make me happy, but I also know that eventually I'll need to stop and do other things.



As much as I enjoy beautiful people in unlikely situations, I just can't get myself into the world of Kdramas. My mom loves them. I have friends who swear by them. But I find that most shows start off strong with a good premise, but then fail to execute. I like a little drama, but dragging it out over 20 episodes for no other reason than to drag it out...is too much for me.

I find myself watching the first two or three episodes, maybe an episode in the middle if I've heard particularly good reviews about it, and then just skipping straight to the end. I just ain't got time for dramatic music filled pauses where people don't do anything. Or lengthy expository filled conversations. Sorry.

Apparently even my subconscious agrees...

...that I'm never going to go on vacation again, ever.

I had a dream last night that I was going to Paris, but I wasn't going to make my flight. This was, of course, highly upsetting. And then I called the airline (Garuda Airlines, btw, is that even real) and spoke to someone and asked if I could change my flight time, and they were like "yes, of course" and then dead silence.

And I just sat there like a chump, phone to my face, waiting for them to tell me what to do but realizing deep down that I had missed my flight FOREVER.

And then I woke up and had to get ready for work. ;__;

ETA: According to internet, there is a Garuda Airlines, but it mainly flies to Indonesia, not France. Garuda is also a Buddhist/Hindu deity that protects people from evil/snakebites?

OMG I save this for posterity

So I have been struck down by food poisoning, but the masochist I am, I have dragged my sad ass to work because well, it's not contagious and I really have a lot of work to finish.

On the train ride in, I was struck by a hideous wave of nausea. I tried to wait until the next stop, planning to rush off and throw up in the bushes, but nope. Wasn't going to happen. Luckily, I had a giant empty travel mug with me.

I threw up in the mug, so quietly and so quickly, no one even noticed.

Then I got out at the next stop to empty the mug.

Surreptitious Upchucker is a good name for a super hero, right?

It's a little bit cold

Things I dislike: when I dress appropriately for the weather, but every single place I walk into has the heater cranked on high because everyone else wants to just wear T-shirts. Like, just put on a sweatshirt and keep the heater at a moderate level. Stop making me sweat balls every time I try to go anywhere. I wasn't even wearing a coat, just a scarf and long-sleeved shirt!